Who she is, who she was, and who she will never be
by Lulubird
Summary: Four snapshots through the eyes of the men in Tris' life- Four/Tobias, Al, Caleb, and her father. Please review.
1. Chapter 1: Four

**Summary: I just joined the Divergent Nation. It's lovely being here. This is set in Divergent. Four snapshots through the eyes of the four men in Tris' life- Four/Tobias, Al, Caleb, and her father. Please review. -Lu**

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**FOUR**

She's light in my arms, as light as a child. No. Don't use that word. She's proven herself more than most of the adult men and women of Dauntless. She's small and she looks defenceless but Tris is no child.

The familiar bareness of my room greets me as I shove through the door and as always my eyes are drawn to the only splash of colour in there, the myriad of blues that cover the bed. There is something so calming about the colour. You can lose yourself for hours in the depths of a million shades of blue and when you swim your way back to the surface it's always as if your mind is fresh and clear. I've lost myself in the cool musings of the colours adorning my bed many a night after walking my fear landscape. The gentle, soothing lap of the colour dabs at the raw pain and burning terror of memories and nightmares.

Tris's hair makes a golden halo against the blue as I place her on the bed. Without meaning to my fingers trail through the golden strands as I pull back and I stand and stare at her for a moment. Normally I wouldn't allow myself this luxury, it's far too dangerous for the both of us and there is already too many whisperings to allow me to feel safe. I count to ten slowly in my head, ten seconds of watching her breathe. In and out. I hold my own breath to feel the silence of the room press in upon me and try not to get drawn into the shadow of her eyelashes against her skin. When the last second ticks by I turn quickly and stride from the room. I am strict with myself. I said ten seconds. The air hisses in and out of my clenched teeth as I march back through the dim passageways to the Chasm. The heap of dark clothing on the floor is exactly where I left him. I give Drew a brutal nudge with my foot as I approach and smile sadistically at the groan that escapes the bloody mess. Not a single drop of pity or guilt flows through my veins as I look down contemptuously at him. Shame it was him really. I know he's not the one I want, not really. It's really Peter I want to be a writhing mass of bloody pain...And Al...

I give him another nudge with my foot and sigh, gazing around. I suppose I'll have to take him to the infirmary. My eyes fall on the metal railings, the exact spot I just saved Tris from tumbling to her death, and my eyes drop back to Drew. It would be so easy to tip him over the edge. It would solve two problems really. I wouldn't have to explain why one of my initiates was a bloody mess and Tris would have one less predator on her trail. As I glance back at the edge again I bite my lip, tossing the idea over in my head. My calculating mind weighs up the benefits and costs of going through with it...with murder. But my deeper nature trickles through the logic and a little moral voice joins the chorus. Not to be outdone my red hot fury, still burning strong, and my learned cruelty from Dauntless whispers in my ear; three conflicting natures that twist and entangle my brain as it fights to make a decision.

Another pitiful moan from the ground at my feet makes the decision for me. Swearing under my breath I haul a protesting Drew into a standing position, taking far less heed of his injuries than I did with Tris, and begin to drag him in the direction of the hospital.

"You don't know how lucky you are asshole," I whisper under my breath as we make slow progress down the passageways.

There is a spluttering noise from Drew that is followed by a sharp grunt of pain as I hoist his arm further over my shoulder.

"W-we just..." he mutters, and stops as his feet stumble over an uneven bit of ground. I keep moving at the same pace, pulling him along and gritting my teeth as I wonder what possible justification he is going to give the attack. "Just w-wanted...t-to scare...her..." he rattles out eventually.

Sharp pain shoots up my jaw with the strength with which I grit my teeth to stop from throttling him. Luckily for him, and perhaps for me too, the lights of the infirmary are before us in the dark. I release my grip on Drew and he slithers pathetically to the ground. I give a sharp tap on the doors. As I hear the scuttle of footsteps on the other side I lean down so my lips are next to Drew's ear.

"Who's scared now?" I hiss icily. The doors open suddenly and I straighten up and nod curtly at Lauren. "Found this one fighting with the other initiates," I say simply and without waiting for her surprise I turn my back and stride off down the passageway. I know that even if she suspects me of lying, which she undoubtedly will, Lauren won't be the one to tell anyone.

It only takes me a few moments to reach my room again as I storm through the corridors. As soon as I am standing outside the door I stop and inhale a deep, slightly shaky breath. For several seconds I rest my forehead against the cool wood of the door and try to suppress the boil of rage inside me. When I think I have it under control I slip the door open and step into the room.

Exactly as I left it. My eyes are drawn to the same spot as always but now I don't know whether it's because of the bright splash of colour or because of Tris. I flick my eyes over her quickly- I've already had my ten seconds and I don't allow myself any more indulgence. She's still passed out but she could be sleeping, except for the bruise forming on her cheekbone. I shy my eyes away from her and glance down at my hands. They're still covered in blood. Quietly I head to the small bathroom and turn my back to Tris, running water in the sink and starting to scrub the blood away. Some of it is mine, from the fresh splits that have opened on my knuckles, but most of it is Drew's. The water in the basin turns a pale pink as it swishes away the blood. I run the water, turning my hands over and over under the gentle stream, until it runs clear. The rhythm and the cleansing calm the last of my immediate anger and so I turn off the tap and dry my hands, staring at my reflection briefly in the mirror. There is a small cut on my lip. I don't remember getting hit but then I don't ever remember much when I get like that. All I see is red.

Tossing the towel aside I turn back to the room, determinedly keeping my eyes from the bed. But as I crouch to get an icepack from the fridge I feel her eyes on me and so when I suddenly turn to face her my gaze goes directly to hers. She's watching me warily but then her eyes flick down to my hands and I see a look of concern flash over her features.

"Your hands."

You've got to be kidding me! _She's_ the one worried about _me_? If she wasn't wincing as she tried to lift her head I would feel like laughing at the ridiculousness. So instead I walk calmly towards her and kneel with one knee on the side of the mattress.

"My hands are none of your concern," I reply simply as I lean over her and lift her head slightly to place the icepack there. She seems unconvinced and then she's reaching out towards me and I freeze. She hesitates a second but then her fingertips touch lightly to the cut on my lip. My eyes are searching hers as she stares at my mouth, a slight frown creasing her forehead.

I'm desperately tempted to reach for her hand, to hold it there and to kiss her fingertips. But instead I speak against them, feeling the tremble in her arm as I do.

"Tris, I'm alright." It's ridiculous I even have to reassure her of this; after all, she's the one who almost met an unfortunate end at the bottom of the Chasm tonight. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly for a second at the thought, but just a second, not long enough for her to notice. Her hand falls from my lips and I rock backwards away from her and I pretend I don't see a flash of disappointment in her eyes.


	2. Chapter 2: Al

**A/N: Thank you readers and reviewers. You're all so lovely to welcome me. I think I like this fandom very much. So, enjoy chapter 2 (if enjoy is the right word). -Lu**

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**AL**

The water pounds at the rocks below me and it feels like the very earth should break apart with its fury. I chose the most violent place. It seems fitting and as I look down at the churning water I can't help think it's just one more cowardly act. I chose the quickest death.

Part of my brain knows it souldn't be this easy. It tells me that I deserve to suffer for my weakness. But I'm so tired of fighting my mind and it's right, I am weak, too weak to face a better death. I try not to think about what it will feel like to fall. I remember watching Christina dangling over the edge of this very spot, her fingertips white with the effort of keeping her alive. I remember the dread I felt as I watched her cling on. I remember the slow encouragement I offered her, all we could do, and I remember Tris joining in after a moment of horror-struck hesitation. I squeeze my eyes shut and turn my face to the misty spray at the thought of Tris.

She's the reason I'm doing this.

But it's not her fault.

The image of Christina hanging over the edge blurs in my mind with the image of that night; of Peter's cruel snarl and Drew's stupid glee and my own inevitable weakness. And Tris' fear as we hung her over the edge. She thought she was going to die.

I don't know why I did it. I honestly don't. There was a voice shouting- screaming- in my head the entire time but for some reason I shut it out and let my body numbly do as it pleased. I let myself be guided by Peter's insistent persuasion and cruel manipulation. I let myself be convinced that Tris deserved it and that I was doing this for the right reasons, for honourable reasons. The very thought of that now makes tears of shame prick at my eyes. How could I be so stupid?

They were the only friends I'd ever had. With shaking hands I grip the railing and haul myself over the edge. I balance on the balls of my feet against the cold metal and feel the thin railings shake as another wave of water crashes into the rock. It's all so fragile, so flimsy. All it takes is one second and everything can come crashing down.

All it takes is one decision. A droplet of blood in the wrong bowl, the sizzle as it hits the burning coals and your fate is sealed. A punch to the jaw that sends your friend down in your first fight, the gut wrenching feeling of guilt and you realise you could never do that again, and the accompanying realisation that that alone dooms you here. A misjudged night, a hand placed over a mouth to stifle screams and a twist in your heart as you realise your mistake and that it's already too late. Each time it only took one decision, one second, to lead me down this path.

Now all it will take is one more second, one more decision, and it can all be over. I will myself to release my iron grip on the railings but some primeval instinct won't let my fingers move.

I look down at the water and tell myself I want this. But I know it's a lie. I don't want what waits for me at the bottom of this long drop, whatever it is. But then I glance over my shoulder at the Pitt, at the darkness of the tunnels and I know that I want that even less. I don't want to die, I just want to live less.

I don't know if I would be standing here now if I hadn't blindly followed Peter. Perhaps I would, but it is the image of my friends that drives me most now, so perhaps I wouldn't. Even if I close my eyes I can see them standing in the doorway of the dormitory. I can see Will's eyes burning angrily at me and his hand protectively on Tris' back. I see Christina's face step up behind them both and I hear the venom in her voice as she hisses at me. They would never forgive me for what I did. We've all made mistakes but what I did was unforgivable. But most of all I see Tris' eyes searching mine as I beg her for absolution I don't deserve. I see the battle within her as her Abnegation flutters weakly in her heart but then I see that coldness glaze over her eyes and I know it's gone. I know that she is gone from me.

But she was never really there was she? I fooled myself into thinking that she was, or that perhaps she could be, but I knew on Visiting Day, when she shrugged out of my arm that she wasn't really there. Not for me, not in the way I wanted.

When she stood before me in the dorm, back by Will and Christina, the only other two people I could ever call friends, I made this decision. Not this specifically, but I knew I couldn't do it anymore- the cold, endless nights that tormented by brain and the long, painful days where everything I did and everything I touched seemed to turn to dust.

"_Stay away from me."_ Her cold, vicious whispers rings in my brain and it must send a message to my limbs, because the fingers of my left hand begin to loosen slightly on the bar. I open my eyes again and stare straight ahead and the dark nothingness before me, determined not to look down at the swirling water below.

"_Never come near me again."_ In the darkness I see the pure hatred in her eyes, not fear, not anger, not resentment- only hatred. A sob escaped my mouth and is swallowed instantly by the noise of the Chasm. The fingers on my right hand begin to loosen as well.

"_If you do, I swear to God I will kill you..."._I inhale a deep breath, the cold mist catching in the back of my throat and sending icy daggers down into my lungs, down into my heart. I know the word that came next. It is imprinted on in the inside of my brain. I see it burning blood red every time I close my eyes. It hurts every inch of my body, not because it is false, but because it is true. It is so true. I have never been anything more than it and I never will be. I could spend a hundred years throwing myself in front of knives and beating weaker people in unconsciousness and it would never change. It's as much a part of my soul as anything these factions tell me, perhaps more. It lies at the very core of me.

"_Coward!"_ I almost hear her voice hiss the word in the darkness and with it I release my grip entirely from the railing. My knees bend and push away from the rock and with a tense moment of suspension I sail out over the nothingness. It feels like I could hover here forever. But then there is a sickening drop and I am falling, falling, falling away into nothing...


	3. Chapter 3: Caleb

**A/N: Thanks to those who have read an reviewed. Note: this is written using Divergent knowledge only.  
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**CALEB**

I instantly recognise the fiery burning in her eyes, only now she holds my gaze and I feel its full intensity, no longer dimmed as it used to be when she would duck her head in submission. How did I never notice this passion burning inside my sister? I knew she didn't belong in Abnegation but how did I miss this raw wildness within her? And there's something completely new there too. Her gaze is hardened against me, for all the burning of her fury and pain and joy in our family reunited there is a cold, hardened, stony edge to the way she looks around her, the way she runs her eyes over the Abnegation. I suppress a shiver deep inside of me as I wonder where that hardness came from. What has she seen to place it there...what has she done?

It doesn't matter. The face in front of me is still my sister's. She's still a part of me and I'm still a part of her, whatever our differences are...or were. I don't even know any more. I don't know who I am and I don't know who she is. Most of all I'm not even sure if it matters; who were are, who we belong to. The events of tonight have made me doubt the very earth upon which I have stood my whole life.

I clutch at her and drag her into the room, simply grateful to see her again, to feel her under my fingertips. It has been horrible crouching here in the dark, listening to the gunfire all around us and not knowing who is alive and who is dead. My hands fly from her though the second she makes a pained noise and my feeling of jubilance bursts instantly as I take in her condition; bloody, soaking wet and clearly exhausted.

"Beatrice. Oh God, are you shot?" Her full name sounds strange on my tongue now, even though I've never called her anything else. I know she calls herself Tris and it's as if the old name belongs to an old girl. It doesn't fit the skinny, muscular, wild eyed teen before me.

She gives me a deep look, as if she can see straight through my soul, and almost shamefully I feel the hot sting of tears to my eyes as I find myself wishing we were back in our childhood when everything was so simple and neither of us were in the hellhole. As she goes passed me into the room I quickly wipe my fingertips over my eyes, pretending I'm just tired, when in fact it's to collect the hint of tears that threaten to fall. I can't cry though, not when Tris has been shot and our mother is out there somewhere and people are dying all around us.

I follow behind like a shadow into the room and watch her closely as her eyes skim over the huddled congregation. I wonder what she feels as she looks upon her old faction; friends, family. There is a flash of darkness followed by pain but I'm not quick enough to see whose presence has caused it.

The group stare back at her in silence, a sea of plain, grey, blinking bodies.

"How did you know about this place?" I press her quietly, breaking the silent tension in the room. Suddenly my heart leaps. "Did Mom find you?"

She nods simply but I feel my elation drop almost as suddenly as I read her expression. She's keeping it guarded but I still know how to study her. My mind goes blank as it struggles to comprehend what her response could mean. I have a sneaky suspicion my mind knows exactly what it means, it just doesn't want it getting through to the rest of me.

"My shoulder," she says in the same, simple, clipped tone. Perhaps it was pain I read, perhaps there is nothing about our mother she is keeping from me. I cling to that hope.

The Abnegation move swiftly into motion around us as Tris falls to her knees. It isn't a hurried, panicked movement. It is just like everything they do, swift, efficient, selfless. I see what the others are gathering and move quickly to the back of the room, where there is a meagre first aid kit stashed. Bringing it back to the flickering lamplight I see Tris accepting a drink of water from Susan. Susan's hand is shaking slightly as she holds the bottle for Tris, but there is no other sign of her distress, though her father is surely dead. My father moves forward to help Tris up and I step backwards, watching their interaction intently.

I was surprised by my father's response to my return and I wonder how he will treat Tris. It seems that the beloved motto of faction over blood hasn't held strong for him in this time. Whether he has turned his back on it consciously, or it is a deep, parental instinct I don't know.

I notice the glistening trail of water behind her and the drips still falling from her clothes. "Why are you wet?" I ask Tris as my father releases her from his grasp.

"They tried to drown me." She says it so simply, as one might comment on the weather or what's for dinner. Is she really that unafraid of death now? "Why are you here?" she asked, turning her gaze back on me. I step over and crouch next to her as the Abnegation continue to move around us in a grey blur.

"I did what you said- what Mom said. I researched the stimulation serum and found out the Jeanine was working to develop long range transmitters for the serum so its signal could stretch farther , which led me to information about Erudite and Dauntless...anyway, I dropped out of initiation when I figured out what was happening. I would have warned you but it was too late. I'm factionless now." The last words don't hold any self-pity. I'm simply stating a fact.

I'm surprised by a voice behind me and turn in unison with Tris to look at my father who glares as us sternly. "No you aren't. You're with us." He says the words with a gruff nod but I feel a rush of warmth and love towards him spread through me. He has every right to deny me, in fact he probably has a duty in the eyes of many people, yet he does not. He pulls me back into the fold of our family, not just him and my mother and Tris, the family of Abnegation.

I turn away with a small smile and pull a pair of scissors from the first aid kit. Tenderly I begin to cut the shirt away from Tris' wound but I stop when I see a flash of black against her skin. I remove the fabric entirely and stare, amazed, at the stark black symbol of Abnegation. I feel my father standing next to me and I know a similar look will be upon his face. My eyes move to the three delicate black birds on her collarbone. I'm surprised to see her brand herself to openly with the Abnegation symbol but I can't help but wonder what the meaning of the birds is.

I give my head a little shake to pull myself away from them and we return to the task at hand, the bullet lodged in Tris' shoulder. I wrap her hand in my own as she lies down on her stomach.

"Have you ever taken a bullet out of someone before?" she asks with a shaky laugh, a feeble attempt at humour that falls flat in the tension of the room.

I open my mouth to reassure her but my father speaks first. "The things I know how to do might surprise you," he says. Now it is my father who receives my shocked gaze as I stare at his profile beside me. I'm studying his face, wondering just who exactly he is, when a shriek from Tris brings me back to the present. I squeeze her fingers as she clutches my hand and grit my teeth against the sight of my father digging in her back with a blade. I'm not squeamish but combined with her screams it makes my stomach turn.

My father crows triumphantly and the bullet falls to the ground with a light, metallic noise, bouncing away from us. Briefly I wonder if I should retrieve it and offer it to Tris as a souvenir. I'd like to see the look on her face. Now as I look from her to my father the idea causes an irrepressible laugh to bubble up inside me. I know it's not the time to be laughing but I can't help it. Despite the hand I clamp over my mouth the laughter escapes into the room.

"What's so funny?" asks Tris in a pathetic little voice.

I look down at her. "I never thought I would see us together again," I say, giving her a smile. I try to ignore the fact that our family isn't truly together, and that I suspect we never will be, and that all around us the world seems to be crumbling to dust. I ignore all of it and I'm just happy for a brief moment that I once again have Tris.


End file.
